


Illumi x Needs x Love

by IttyxBittyxImp



Series: Friendship [3]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Illumi getting visions, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-02-18 19:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13106604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IttyxBittyxImp/pseuds/IttyxBittyxImp
Summary: Illumi is dealing with the aftermath of his mind being invaded, Hisoka is worried that Jun isn't completely gone.





	1. Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure how long I plan on making this, but I wanted to write something a little more Illumi centered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Fixed first sentence, sorry about that ;; the app I use to write on sometimes glitches the first paragraph

Illumi wasn't sure why he started having an aversion to Hisoka, only that it happened after Hisoka's release from the hospital. Maybe, just a little before then. It wasn't that he was disgusted by Hisoka or didn't want to be around him, but by the thought that... that... that Hisoka shouldn't want to be by him. He was the one that broke Hisoka's leg that had to to be recasted since his body grew back into his adult size. It was his teeth marks, it was his hand marks, it was his body that... 

Illumi didn't want to think of what could've happened. 

How could he have these thoughts when Hisoka looked at him like he didn't do anything? The only saving grace Illumi had of his thoughts being undiscovered was his naturally stoic face when he was nervous. Hisoka had already been through so much, he couldn't let him know what bothered Illumi so much.

They were sitting back in their living room, the entire place still needing to be cleaned up after the struggle Hisoka had put up, "I never thought being in my own body could feel so good!" Hisoka stretched his arms in the air, this was the third time he's said that, "And my gum," he made the sticky substance between his fingers with ease, "Ah, my perfect undefeated ability~" One thing about Hisoka; he couldn't be bothered by how much bodily harm he currently suffered. At least on the outside. What if he was hiding his disgust from Illumi as easily as he had hidden such a dangerous secret? Even confined to a wheelchair he made it seem like he was perfectly fine, and he was definitely happy about Ju- that _thing_ being killed once and for all. Just how long could that celebration last before the extent of his issues start rearing again? 

Therapy. The word sounded ridiculous to an assassin, probably more to Hisoka. Though, if Hisoka started to become affected again Illumi would consider finding one that wasn't... Well, wouldn't judge a murderer. Hm. What did that say about Illumi? A part of him long since forgotten reminded him of what was right, he was an assassin. Cold. Calculated. Undaunted. He had already broken a major rule his parents had set, and now he could see how it was making him weak. 

Was he weak? Hisoka kept him on his toes, kept him in shape with their spontaneous sparring, and not so sparring fights. Having Hisoka around most of the time made him feel like he wasn't so alone, and his own mission completion rate had been higher since he'd moved in with Hisoka. Why did a friend make an assassin weak? Why didn't he ever ask? Illumi wondered if he could now without drawing suspicion from his family. They knew about him living with Hisoka, he said it merely saved expenses and butlers, but did they know? They hadn't felt the need to watch him as closely like they do with Killua, maybe it was also due to him not being an important son. 

"Illumi?" He was taken from his thoughts by a worried Hisoka, "You okay?" Illumi hated that worried look, made him think of the night he had gained back full control of his body, that damned look! He so desperately wanted to tell Hisoka to never make that face again, but knew he shouldn't. Who knew what effect it would have after such a horrible incident?

"Yes." 

No emotion, like how he always responded to his family. He wanted to hold onto Hisoka, to protect him from a threat that wasn't and yet at the same time still there, just to quell the ache he felt in his own chest. In the back of his mind Illumi was reminded of his training. It kept him focused. Kept him strong. Illumi felt his hand being held and looked down to see how tenderly Hisoka wanted whatever bothered him to stop, "You just seemed a little out of it." Had his face changed? What tell was Hisoka going off of? 

Taking in a small breath Illumi brought the hand up to give it a kiss, and another kiss to the still bruised wrist in silent apology, hoping Hisoka would understand why he was. Hisoka was a part of his family now, and Illumi felt like he had failed him, "I'm just thinking if Killua will go to the dark continent next." Why did his chest sink when Hisoka believed that lie? Why couldn't he know? It was selfish to think Hisoka needed to do anything for him after what he did. He didn't protect him well enough, didn't prevent that _thing_ from hurting him. It was his fault. It was his fault... 

Hisoka wanted to say something, but he didn't want to worry Illumi anymore, "Wanna watch 'Monsters vs Monsters'?" He got a small nod, and got closer to Illumi, but frowned when he pulled away just slightly. So it was about Hisoka..

\------

Two weeks out of the hospital and Hisoka managed to use crutches to get around better, Illumi was glad he was able to get into more places, but it hurt because he was the cause of Hisoka needing them in the first place. It was his fault... 

"'Lumi, can you reach the money stash for me? I wanted to order us take out tonight." He didn't need the help at all, but Hisoka wanted to see if Illumi was angry with him. Usually if he was he wouldn't do anything for him. Something was obviously an issue because of himself, he just needed to find out what. Illumi quietly got it for him barely sparing him a glance, but Hisoka could see how his shoulders slumped when he had to readjust his crutches to hold the container of cash. Ah. Illumi felt bad for him, but somehow this was different. He couldn't help but compare how Illumi couldn't keep his hands off of him when he got a concussion, and how now Illumi looked like he could barely stand to look at him. Hisoka didn't want to admit that it hurt.

That night after dinner Illumi went to bed early wanting to kiss Hisoka good night, but faltered and passed by him with a quick, "Good night." He wanted to say he loved him, that he wouldn't know what to do without him. He didn't expect Hisoka's hand to quickly find his stopping him in his tracks keeping him in their kitchen.

"What's wrong?" Hisoka didn't have his usual smirk, none of his airs being put on, he figured it would help Illumi be honest should he choose to answer, "You've been acting like this since I was released from the hospital." The way Illumi bit his bottom lip let Hisoka know that this was a big problem in Illumi's head. Had J- that man found a way to stay alive in Illumi's mind and Illumi was keeping it from him? Manipulators were a breed all their own when it came to their abilities, no one knew fully what went on in their heads. 

"Like what?" Of course Hisoka knew, but could Illumi make him think that it was a different issue than what he currently dealt with?

Hisoka sighed softly, "Are you feeling guilty because..." He had to say the name just to make sure, "Because Jun tortured me?" Illumi physically winced in way that any other person wouldn't notice, but it screamed to Hisoka, "Illumi... It wasn't your fault, and I'm okay now." 

Illumi could remember as well as feel what that thing had put in his head when he said he would use his body to, to... defile Hisoka... He took in a deep breath so quiet and hopefully unnoticed, "You're not okay..." He pulled his hand free and continued walking out without another word, he didn't want to look at Hisoka's face and think more about what could've and what had been able to happen. Felt worse when he heard shuffling for crutches as Hisoka tried to follow after him, "Don't follow me, not right now." 

"It wasn't your fault." Stop... "You ended it, you won." No he didn't! "You saved me." Illumi's hair seemed to rise with the emotions that were overwhelming him, his hands trembled, and his shoulders tensed up. Jun had used him! He didn't save Hisoka! Illumi had nearly-! Thoughts flooded his mind of the sick imagery what would've happened if he had gained back control too late and Hisoka had... Would be crying, bleeding, forced to relive what he shouldn't have gone through in the first place! And it would've been Illumi's fault! It was his fault! His fault. His fault. His-

"Hey, it's okay..." Pulling away Hisoka had to think fast, he doubted Illumi would hurt him, but he was more worried about Illumi hurting himself, "It's okay, take a breath." He remembered how Illumi calmed him down from his own panic attack, imitating how he took in calming breaths hoping Illumi would breathe with him. 

"How can you even stand to look at me?" His voice broke, tears started to fall and hit the floor with louder thuds like his tears were being weighted with his overflowing nen. 

Hisoka wasn't sure what to do, neither of them had been very good at comfort. There was no way he could touch Illumi right now because it could set him off worse, think, he needed tp say something that would get through to Illumi. The room felt pregnant with heavy tension, harder to breathe, "I can look at you, because I know you would never do something like that to me, you didn't have control over your body, and it wasn't your fault." His chest felt tight waiting for Illumi to react.

Illumi's shoulders sagged, "That thing showed me what it was planning to do. Showed me what it had done with its other stolen body to you..." He was meant to think everyone else besides a Zoldyck weren't worth anything but money, these weren't emotions he knew how to deal with. _Hisoka Zoldyck_. The thought crossed his mind, he had moved Hisoka into his family, but never did he have to deal with these kind of thoughts from his siblings or his parents. What was wrong with him! The ground seemed to be uneven under his feet, the walls closing in, and Hisoka seemed far away from him. He felt sick. His vision unfocused. Couldn't hear Hisoka calling out to him, but could feel in a far off place his body being moved.


	2. Dead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the really late chapter! A lot has happened this year and I finally managed to finish this, as always I hope you all enjoy it!

He felt like he wasn't in his body, at least, the right body... What was he seeing? Illumi looked around, it was a desert? Where the hell was he? There were distant clouds of smoke in the air, so this wasn't nowhere, his feet moved on their own through this unfamiliar place, a purpose in their steps. A small black building, it looked kind of like a building came into view and as he got closer it looked like a run down circus trailer, why was he seeing this? As the figure came up to the door with a padlock on it, hands he didn't recognise as his own, unlocked it. It took his eyes a moment to get used to the sudden darkness, but when they had Illumi felt a pit in his stomach. 

On the splintered floor of the trailer was a pink haired kid curled up in fear, either awake and faking sleep hoping they wouldn't be noticed, or too weak to wake up to the noise of the intruder. He was seeing another memory through... He would not think of its name! His view was forced down to something in his arms, wrapped in a cloth pouch. Reaching out for the shelf the memory pushed it out of the way and pulled away a latch to reveal a metal box. There were an assortment of things inside, but he couldn't make out what else was inside when the monster looked to Hisoka.

_No._

He tried to force the body to move else where, anywhere away from them!

 _Stop! Not him! Please!_

He heard soft sobbing coming from the boy as he was forced to step closer, oh, Hisoka... No matter what he was trying to do, it was a memory and this had already happened... Couldn't close his eyes to it, couldn't do anything but watch what this monster had done already. It was in the past!

It didn't stop him from screaming.

His eyes were opened and he was staring at a ceiling as his screams rang through the apartment, "Illumi! Illumi, please calm down!" His eyes darted to Hisoka, grown up Hisoka... He was awake, he shot up to hug him nearly pulling him out of the chair. Desperately he wanted to say that he was sorry, how he never wanted to hurt Hisoka. Now, with what he saw had made him hate himself even more... "It's okay, it was just a dream." Hisoka was rubbing his back trying to calm him down, seeing how worried Hisoka was, especially how Illumi rarely showed emotion and when he did it was never this extreme. 

"It wa-wasn't just a dream..." Illumi immediately got himself under control pushing his emotions down to keep up stoicism. He took in a calm breath and looked to Hisoka, nearly breaking what composure he had just managed to accomplish, he suddenly noticed he was laying on their couch, or well, sitting now, "What happened?"

Hisoka settled back down in the chair putting his cast on the kitchen table to elevate it, "You lost consciousness when you were upset, and then you stayed still for awhile, so I moved you to the couch, and then you just started screaming out of nowhere." Hisoka wouldn't tell him how he had muttered a few questions that Hisoka didn't want to answer.

"No." He would hate himself later, "What happened with... That thing? It had something in its trailer." 

Hisoka broke face immediately squaring his shoulders, eyes filled with horror and question, quickly he put his normal mask up, "How do you know about the trailer?" The question seemed calm, somehow Hisoka managed to fake his emotions even if his face gave away what he felt like. His already pale face seemed to have turned more white. Just how could Illumi know about that!? 

"The dream..." Hisoka immediately thought that Jun wasn't completely gone, that somehow he was cleverly (disgusting to admit) leading them both into a trap, or was still in control of Illumi's mind and was just trying to get Hisoka to go back. He was never going back there again! A card found its way into his palm, but he kept leveled, if Jun was still in control the pig had many prime opportunities to kill or do something worse to Hisoka. That however didn't leave out the option that he was still a pseudo voice in Illumi's head, "We need to go to Meteor City."

"No. We don't." Illumi would sigh, but Hisoka even as an adult now had that same tone of fear and distrust of something that could possibly be important to know, however he couldn't fault him. What Illumi saw, how could he ask someone so important to him to return to a place that might as well have been a hole burned into a map? 

"He's dead-" 

"Exactly, why should we go? There is nothing there whatever voice is telling you to go there is probably a trap." Love was an old emotion he hadn't let himself feel, even the card he had in his hand felt too heavy. 

This wouldn't do so he stood, "He hid something, I need to know what it is." It could lead to something he could use, or could make sure he had permanently destroyed Jun. If there was any evidence to support that in the trailer he had to make that Jun wasn't alive in his mind in some way it was worth it, "I won't ask you to come with me, but to know for sure he isn't still waiting in my mind for a weakness, I'm going." He moved to get up from the couch and was stopped by a hand on his chest, " Hisoka... " 

"I can't let you go alone. At least wait for my leg to heal." He looked at Hisoka and his forgotten guilt hit again, "Hey, stop. This wasn't you, Illu." He put back on his grin, "Why don't you kiss it and make it better? Just a wittle kiss." When Illumi looked annoyed, but kissed his leg that showed he loved Hisoka, it relieved him, anything to get rid of that pity look. 

"Why do I love you so much?" At this point it was just a familiar thing to ask between them, he needed that after what he saw...

Of course Hisoka would say something that wasn't the real reason, "Because I'm a twunk." He laughed when Illumi actually snorted, seemed he didn't expect that. Normality had become so scarce between them since the whole incident they went through, but Hisoka was one to always make the situation lighter when either of them needed it.

\-----

As the weeks progressed and Hisoka healed, both of them got more comfortable around each other and Hisoka was grateful that Illumi was accepting that what that pig did while in his mind wasn't his fault. It still worried them both that the nightmares didn't stop, and Hisoka had taken to staying awake when Illumi needed rest just in case something happened. They had even checked Illumi for any hand prints on his body, same with Hisoka. Just in case. 

When the day came that the cast finally came off and they started to pack for the trip, Illumi didn't feel right having Hisoka return to a place connected to such horrible memories, "Are you sure you want to go with me? What if it is a trap?" He had came to the conclusion that he was fine with Hisoka killing him in case he lost his mind.

"Even if it is, I'm strong now. If he manages to take control of your mind I'll find a way to get him out." Hisoka had been thinking over the trip since they talked about it, this had been an opportunity to get closure and maybe even mangle the corpse if it was still there. Pulling the string closed on his pink bubble gum back pack, he was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder just what they'll fine when they get there...

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! And remember comments fuel my motivation to write more. Seems less like screaming into the abyss, and if you liked this fic let me know! The more I think ppl like it the more I'll write for it no better way than a comment~ -u-


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